Maybe you’ve decided that in this particular job climate, it’s best to do whatever it takes to hang on to what you’ve got. Maybe with HR launching heat sinking missiles from its bunker at whatever dead-end Cuber it can find, you want to scramble the signal a bit – maybe bend the trajectory enough to put the old pink slip projectile into someone else’s lap.
Maybe you now know, whether you want to admit it or not, that’s it’s time to kiss ass. Big time. Without reservation. Without shame. With a sharp sense of survival.
Well, that’s doable, man. If you really have no scruples about it, (in other words, you’re the main source of financial support for the family, and the wife is threatening to leave if you lose the job, and the kids gotta have the next-generation surround-sound, opti-view, implanted-chip-in-the-brain virtual violence gaming experience for Christmas), then you can do it. You can live; the next door Cuber can die.
Start with the morning routine. Instead of grunting ‘Morning’ to the boss, look him in the eye, nod your head while wearing a smart smile, and say ‘Good morning, sir. I’m ready for anything you can throw at me. Let’s get started.’
Then hand him a big cup of expensive coffee, (not a cheapo styrofoam offering from out of the break room pot), pat him on the shoulder, then walk right on back to your cube as if you’re getting right into the work.
But don’t sit down. That’s the absolute worst thing you can do. Stand up, so that he can see you as you pick up the phone and start making calls. Now, the calls may only be to your wife, asking her to pick up a six-pack of light beer while she’s at the store, or to your doctor, scheduling that long-delayed prostate exam. In either case, make it look like you’re directing something from your cube, not just sitting in front of the computer, gazing at vacation deals to Bali.
But you probably want to try to make at least one real work call, and be loud and authoritative about it, so that the boss can hear. That is, if you can think of a worthwhile call to make. Maybe you can ring up that parts supplier and demand credit for the defective parts the company received awhile ago. (Then hang up before the guy on the other end realizes you don’t know what you’re talking about).
The next step in the daily butt smacking consists of posturing yourself strategically in the morning meeting. Sit down in the front, next to the boss, with a stack of technical papers and a notebook and a few pens handy. Take notes copiously. Nod when he nods; nod vigorously when he says something, even if it’s not particularly bright. After the meeting, say something along the line of, “Excellent meeting. We’re gonna get some action out of that one.” And if he glances at you like you’re some sort of nitwit, add, “I’ll make sure it happens.”
Then make sure you do. Or at least, find a subordinate or two to make it so.
Before lunch, find at least three main issues that you can pretend to be on top of in an email, even if it’s responding to the girl who’s been out sick for a week who is asking a question about the big sales account and you can answer that it’s all been taken care of, especially if it sounds as if you took care of it. And of course, make sure to .cc the boss.
Get out those emails – not too many – but enough, with brief authoritative firepower in them that lets the big shot know that you are the man…
That’s one of the best ways to ass kiss, without feeling like you’re ass kissing.
After lunch, it’s time for the sophisticated methods. The Machiavellian routine. The tour-du-force of sycophantic slobbering. The positioning for posterior posterity, where you can get the best derriere smacking for the buck.
It’s time to backstab.
Nothing brings you in better with the boss then to let him in on the little known fact that the deadbeat Cuber sitting right next to you has been badmouthing the company, and everyone in it, on a regular schedule. And of course, this bad apple saves his most deadly salvo for the boss. But how do you tactfully dispense with this information, (or as it were, misinformation), without appearing like the backstabbing SOB that you actually are, and have to be, out of sheer pragmatism?
Well, again, a well-crafted email might do the trick. Such as, “Dear Boss, So-and-so finished the financial analysis and submitted it upstairs. I reviewed it and it’s an outstanding piece of work. However, I think he got a little upset with our auditing process, as he mentioned to me that…” and then you segue into an underplayed description of how he couldn’t seem to let go of the fact that senior accounting is run by a bunch of fat-headed amateurs and the company promotes stiff-necked chicken-squawking bean counters and worships bluster-mouthed managers and generally allows incompetence and stupidity to rule.
If this doesn’t get you a one on one with the boss, where you can then unload an arsenal of hyperbole and mistruths against the Cuber, then maybe it’s time to request a personal meeting. And if you can get one of these, be sure to know exactly what to say, and how to say it, so that your ‘confidential information’ comes across as strictly up and up – meaning, you know and the boss knows that ‘something has to be done.’ (translated: ‘someone has to go’.)
And finally, don’t underestimate the power of slipping the subtle word or phrase around the water cooler or out in the smoking area to anyone whom you know will feed information back to the boss. Perception, as any career sophisticate knows, decides raises and promotions, continued employability and likeability, and overall success. If you want someone to fail, get good at dropping the IEDs where they will do the best calculated damage.
Now you might be saying, ‘This is not ethical at all. I can’t plan on deliberately damaging the reputation of a co-worker. It’s not right.’
Well, if you’ve gotten this far in this piece, and you still want to learn more about how to become an effective ass-kisser, then ethics hasn’t got anything to do with it.
On the other hand, if you’ve gotten this far and realize that ass-kissing and being unethical to survive and thrive in the workplace isn’t your thing, then don’t worry. Because this piece is finished. And so are you.
Jake desJardins
